The Kind of Love That Heals

There’s a difference between knowing the value you bring and knowing you have value—even when you’re not producing anything at all.

For me, healing didn’t come from advice or “tough love.” It came from being seen—truly seen—by someone who didn’t treat me like a problem to solve, a project to fix, or a version of who they thought I should be.

Just me.

The hard part is that sometimes the people closest to us are the least able to offer that kind of love. Not because they do not care, but because their fear, pain, or expectations get in the way. And when someone thinks they know what’s best for you, they often stop listening to what you actually need.

Of course, this is not to say we should all be feral, doing whatever the hell we want. Boundaries matter. But there is a balance.

At some point, we each have to confront our own self-interests—especially in relationships. Because if I stand to benefit from molding a partner, child, parent, or friend into what works for me, then my “support” becomes less about love and more about control. I start encouraging—or even forcing—the creation of the person I need, instead of accepting the person they are.

And the truth is, the biological and socioeconomic forces that push us toward conformity, hierarchy, and control are already powerful. Even without meaning to, we can find ourselves reinforcing systems that oppress and marginalize—not out of malice, but out of fear, fatigue, or the desire for predictability.

This dynamic scales—from the most intimate relationships to the structures modern society is built on.

If I’m a Christian and you’re not: You’re wrong. I’m right.

If I’m an atheist and you’re not: You’re wrong. I’m right.

If I’m a Republican, and you’re not: You’re wrong. I’m right.

If I’m a Democrat, and you’re not: You’re wrong. I’m right.

We can swap out “right” for acceptable. We can swap out “different” for enemy.

I’m Black, you’re not. You’re the threat.

I’m Muslim, you’re not. You’re the other.

I’m a Swiftie, you’re part of the Beyhive. You’re the rival.

It sounds absurd when laid out like that—but this is human psychology in action.

We are tribal by nature.

Protective of identity.

Deeply susceptible to psychological patterns like:

• Confirmation bias – we seek proof we’re already right.
• Identity-protective cognition – we reject anything that threatens our group.
• In-group/out-group thinking – we divide the world into “us” and “them.”

And the thing is: these patterns do not stay at the level of theory. They shape our policies, our politics, our relationships, and our reflections in the mirror.

That is why healing love is so radical.

It refuses to control.

It chooses to witness.

It creates space where domination usually enters.

And it says: You do not have to earn this. You are not a project. You are a person.

Sometimes, that is all it takes to begin again—within ourselves and with each other.