Your Belief Systems are Ruining your Life

Why your belief systems are secretly sabotaging you

If you’re at all interested in personal development, knowing what beliefs are, how to modify them, and why they are the very root of human suffering is a crucial step. Everything else you do will be in vain.

I have been personally and professionally involved in coaching, development, and training for a long time — long enough that I still find it amazing when I’m reminded that the connection between all the strategies, techniques, and ideas I’ve encountered are rooted in the concept of belief systems.

Meditation, positive affirmations, coaching, therapy (with obvious exceptions), journaling, mindset shifts, retreats, earning degrees, and a long list of other things we do to make ourselves feel better will make no difference if your belief systems are incongruent with the outcomes you want because they’re not what you actually expect.

For example, you can complete a guided meditation course on Insight Timer, Headspace, Calm or some other medium for anxiety and feel better for a little while, but the lasting change usually isn’t there.

It’s discouraging.

You stop doing it.

You start over.

The Magic Pill Effect

I know trying all these things over the years led me to realize something else was going on under the surface. There was something more central to my identity as a person that encouraged me to seek out a “magic pill” that would automatically make me whole.

The problem with most of the courses and techniques we consume is not in the content. It’s about your beliefs and expectations. I’m not saying these things don’t work because they’re flawed.

I’m saying they don’t work because of a lack of understanding of what they’re really addressing.

These approaches are designed to treat symptoms and maybe, just maybe, you’ll develop enough awareness to realize they’re designed to augment the constructs in your mind that tell you to be angry or sad or hurt or feel worthless or unlovable.

I noticed a trend: every self-help book, article, course, and webinar I’ve ever encountered is designed to chip away at brittle walls in the unconscious mind that frame your perception of reality, of truth, of yourself.

The problem is they don’t directly state that, so you just go through the motions until the novelty wears off.

Confirmation Bias

I’ll tell you why — for the vast majority of people — these things don’t work. It’s because of how necessary it is for your brain to make your beliefs true. Here’s an example:

I believe I am destined to be alone. No one will ever truly love me for me, and because of that, I’ll never have a rewarding and fulfilling relationship.

Despite believing that at the core of my being, I don’t want it to be true, so I still date. I still got married. I still had a child. There are still people who find me interesting and attractive enough to spend time with me, but this damn belief is in there steering the boat.

Through all those regular social activities, I have mountains of evidence that directly contradict my core belief. My brain can rationalize the behavior of others in a way that helps me validate my belief. When people say nice things, I write it off. I assume they’re just being polite. When I get laid, I assume someone better just wasn’t available.

I’ve had a lot of people tell me I’m special, and genuinely mean it. Tell me I’m a star, I changed their life, I helped them in some profound way. That’s not a flex. It’s a reality at least in their view.

For me, however, it’s a fluke.

I was explaining this phenomenon, or rather what I think is this phenomenon, to my best friend. He constantly says things like, “I ain’t that smart” but the man is brilliant and deeply insightful.

He said, “so it sounds like you’re talking about confirmation bias.”

That statement blew my mind because it’s representative of exactly what I was trying to communicate.

Your brain operates on confirmation bias. You have a belief. Anything that threatens it will either be dismissed or distorted to confirm or validate what you already believe.

That’s how insidious your core values and beliefs can be. They can take all rational and logical evidence, and either distort it or make it disappear.

If you believe you’re worthless, your thoughts and actions will be used in every circumstance to verify that core belief. If you believe you’re unlovable, your brain will use every argument and instance of mistreatment to say, “told you so.”

“Your limiting decisions are hiding out in the areas where you’re producing results that you don’t want.” — Dr. Matt James

Of course, I’m not going to be in a great relationship if deep down I believe I’m destined to be alone. Of course, your writing career isn’t going to take off if you believe you don’t have anything valuable to say. Of course, your business is going to struggle if you deeply and strongly identify as a failure.

There may be real evidence for and against the validity of your beliefs, but all your efforts and experiences are colored by them.

“When we argue for our limitations, we get to keep them.” — Richard Bach

That’s a very poignant sentiment because it’s exactly what our brains are designed to do: fight for beliefs whether they’re healthy or not. If you really believe something, your brain is going to fight to hold on to it, and there’s a plethora of neuroscience supporting that idea.

Purposeful Practice

Knowing the root of the problem will only improve the effectiveness of the techniques you’re already using is a vital first step.

If I buy a clock, put new batteries in it, but have the time set an hour behind, it can be perfectly functional and still wrong. If I use that clock to tell me when I need to leave for work, I’ll always be late.

That’s the biggest failing of personal development efforts: the course, meditation, and book are your shiny new clock and the time on its face is your belief system.

If you misapply the technique, you’ll never get the desired outcome.

So challenge those beliefs. Write in your journal, meditate, attend seminars and webinars, read books and articles, and meditate, but do those things knowing your beliefs determine the outcomes and the fulfillment derived from those outcomes.